SOUTHERN IRAQ - Geraldo Rivera is denying reports that he's been kicked out of Iraq by U.S. military officials for giving out too much information about troop locations.

The ruckus stems from a live Fox News broadcast in which Rivera drew a number of crude lines in the sand of the Iraqi desert. Rivera, who is not officially embedded with the troops but is merely following them on his own initiative, then proceeded to reveal classified military information over the airwaves by pointing to his map and announcing that "our troops are here" and "the Iraqi forces are there."

One army colonel, who spoke on condition of anonymity, is quoted as saying that this sort of reckless pinpointing of our troops’ location could have changed the entire outcome of the war. "We were sitting ducks," said another officer. "His map revealed our whole strategy, if you read between the grains."

While the American public stands in a state of shock and awe over one of its most beloved journalists, one whose honesty and integrity have always seemed beyond reproach, having his reputation called into question, Rivera downplays the entire situation and even denies he was kicked out of Iraq.

To back up his claim, and in his typical professional manner, Rivera said that it sounds like the rumors he'd been kicked out were spread by the "rats at NBC," where he used to work. He said his rivals "can't compete fair and square on the battlefield," so they try to stab him in the back. But in the end, he insists, "quality journalism wins out."

Rivera then vowed to seal certain unnamed NBC executives in Al Capone’s vault for his next television special.

In other war-related news, Iraq-based CBS forces led by General Dan Rather have begun massing near the town of Nasariyah to ward off a possible two-pronged attack by ABC forces under the command of Generals Jennings and Koppel. NBC, who will be covering the event as an "impartial" third party, and whose own propaganda broadcasts have been at a fevered pitch as of late, has been hyping the pending annihilation of these two rival networks as "Must-See TV."

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