BUSH PORTRAYS KERRY AS A WAFFLER; "I'M A PANCAKE MAN, MYSELF," THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED--------------------FCC CHAIRMAN MICHAEL POWELL DECLARES SUPERBOWL HALFTIME SHOW "TITILLATING"--------------------NO WATER FOR WATERS; PORTSMOUTH SHERIFF GARY WATERS CLAIMS HE "NEVER TOUCHES THE STUFF"--------------------MARS HOAX REVEALED; NASA ROVER SPIRIT ACTUALLY BEAMING PICTURES FROM THE RED DIRT SURFACE OF GEORGIA--------------------GLORIA CHAPMAN SPOTTED IN HONOLULU AREA MALL WEARING SHIRT STATING "MY HUSBAND MURDERED JOHN LENNON AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT"--------------------COUNTRY SINGER TRAVIS TRITT SHOT DEAD WHILE ON TOUR TO SUPPORT HIS "TEN-FEET TALL AND BULLETPROOF" ALBUM--------------------COLLEGE STUDENT GIVES UP ON THE EVELYN WOOD SEVEN-DAY SPEED READING PROGRAM; COMPLAINS STUDENT: "IT'S TAKING ME TOO LONG TO GET THROUGH IT!"--------------------COUNTRY MUSIC STAR LEE GREENWOOD TO FINALLY RECEIVE GREEN CARD; "I'M PROUD TO ALMOST BE AN AMERICAN," DECLARES THE NATIVE SAUDI ARABIAN--------------------THOUSANDS LINE UP FOR FREE CARS AS LITTLE JOE OF LITTLE JOE'S AUTOS FILES FOR DIVORCE--------------------METEOROLOGIST JEFF LAWSON STEALS CYMBAL INTRO TO RINGO STARR TUNE FOR WVEC WEATHER SEGMENT; SAYS LAWSON, "ACTUALLY IT WAS EASY"--------------------LOCAL PSYCHIC THE REVEREND SISTER BISHOP TO BE KNIGHTED UPON RECEIVING PH.D.; POPE MENTIONS POSSIBLE SAINTHOOD--------------------ICE CREAM IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD--------------------ITCHING FOR AN EXOTIC PET? PRAIRIE DOGS FREE TO GOOD HOME; CONTACT PMOBERLEY@HOTMAIL.COM OR PHONE 630-348-4932--------------------HUMBLE EMPLOYEE OF COMPANY WITHOUT AIR CONDITIONING REFUSES TO USE OFFICE FAN TO COOL HIMSELF; "I DON'T WANT TO APPEAR TO HAVE AIRS ABOUT ME," EMPLOYEE CLAIMS--------------------CHARLIE FALK AUTO TO TEST MARKET CATCHY NEW "WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS..." ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN--------------------IS YOUR KINDLING DWINDLING? LOOKING FOR LOGS IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES? CALL BAYSIDE FIREWOOD COMPANY AT 757-363-7153--------------------JUBILANT CROWDS IN AMERICA AND IRAQ CHANT "FOUR MORE YEARS!" "FOUR MORE YEARS!" FOLLOWING RETIRING GENERAL'S "FRANK" PREDICTIONS FOR CONTINUED U.S. OCCUPATION OF IRAQ


NOBODY JUMPED ME
an unbiased look at the charts circa march 1984
*NEW*
EDDIE RABBITT ON
DATING AND DAIRY PRODUCTS


THE NEW BROCCOLI?
Despite posturing, White House denies onion-like vegetable is to George II
what broccoli was to George I

BUSH: "IF THERE WAS A LEEK
IN MY ADMINISTRATION,
I WANT TO KNOW"


President Bush also promises that the person behind the leek
"will be taken care of."



SEPTEMBER 12, 2003 CELEBRITY PASSINGS:
JOHN CASH/RITTER


Governor Schwarzenegger???
OUI!


paid for by
arnold schwarzenEGGer

for governor

Do your customers never give you your money?
Buncha damn deadbeats who don't even fear the taxman?
It's time to get serious and unleash the power and fury.
Head's up, people, cuz ...

"NOW YOU GOT A BEATLE ON YO ASS!"
THE GEORGE HARRISON COLLECTION AGENCY

Owned and operated by supposed Badfinger member
and Harrison nephew wannabe Mike McKee,
who's gonna collect what you owe no matter what you got.



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